This week’s blog has been been preempted by this burning question:
What in the actual fuck is happening in this country?
I have no answers or comfort, or many words actually. It is in times like these that I look to the wise women in my life for council and perspective.
Fortunately, my teacher Kendra Cunov had the foresight to gather the women in her community for a Zoom call the day after the election. We shared and moved and wept and raged. We witnessed each other and held space for the unique process of each person. And we got reminded that in this time of MASSIVE uncertainty, what is always true and reliable are our feelings and our bodies. Neither one lie. They can be trusted even when those around us can not be.
I want to share what came up for me during the call in case it helps you. In case you feel less alone knowing someone else out there is struggling in the aftermath of this election. In case you believe or have people telling you that you are over reacting or to just move on. In case you have no idea how to even begin to deal with the swirling mass of turmoil rolling around inside you. We start with what is true right now even if it makes no logical sense. Even if everyone around you disagrees or does not understand, including you. Even the things that you don’t want to sat the light of day because you are sure they make you an awful person. Start there. Here’s my truth:
I am angry that the election is even this close and that the Trump political agenda was not obliterated in a blow out, decisive victory for the Democrats.
I am angry that this is taking so long, that recounts are being demanded and lawsuits are being filed that will only serve to delay this process.
I am angry that half the country believes Trump is qualified to hold this office after the havoc he has wreaked on this country over the last four years. Honestly, I’m even more pissed about that this time around because we have had ample evidence of his destruction.
I am afraid for what will happen to us no matter who wins the election. I am afraid of four more years of a Trump administration, and I’m afraid of how the divide among us will show itself if he loses. How many more people will get hurt because he can’t stand to lose?
I am tender and raw and hurting. My body feels heavy and weighted down. My chest is tight and there is pressure like an elephant’s foot right on the center. It’s hard to access a deep breath. I’m more easily agitated and quick to snap. I’ve been sleeping fitfully. I’ve been listening to the news way more than what serves me. I’ve spent far too much time scrolling Facebook, partly to see if there’s any news, and partly to avoid the intensity of my own feelings.
Then there are times I get out and run and hear the leaves crunching under my feet. There are times I pause and put my hand on my heart and check in with myself. There are times that I intentionally inhale as deeply as I can and feel the air filling my lungs.
And it’s all ok. All of it. I am slogging through this one minute at a time, as I imagine most of you are. This is a messy, gnarly, fucked up time. Whatever, however you are feeling, even if it’s numbness and apathy, it’s ok. Trust that whatever coping mechanism your body is calling upon right now is wise. You are not alone. You are not alone.
With so much Love,