The world operates on- line these days, and the dating arena is certainly no exception! Don’t get me wrong, dating sites have their usefulness in terms of convenience, flexibility and broadening the pool of potential partners for people. However, it can be quite challenging to get a good read on someone from just a profile, and quite frankly, even after a few face to face dates. So, how do you know you are not wasting your precious time and energy going down a dead end street?
Here are two tips that may help:
1) Do their words and actions match?
I see people in my practice overlook this very simple question far too often. And I understand why. When we are attracted to someone, or believe there’s potential, we don’t want to see that there may be red flags. So we tend to ignore them, or excuse them. And if someone is consistently saying one thing and doing another, it is a red flag to be sure! For example, if they tell you they will call you by a certain time to make plans, and they don’t, their words are not aligned with their actions.
Of course, people are human and may honestly forget or have a legitimate reason not to follow through. But if you observe a pattern of this behavior, reconsider investing anymore of your awesomeness in them. What they are showing you is that they lack the self respect to honor their word. And if they don’t respect themselves, they sure as heck wont respect you!
2) Over sharing does not equal emotional intimacy.
Look, we’ve all been there. You start talking to someone or maybe you are on your first date. The chemistry is there, and the conversation last for hours and hours. You discuss everything from your hopes and dreams to your childhoods and how many children you want. You both pour your hearts out to each other and reveal all your secrets because you know this other person is your soulmate, your kindred spirit, the ONE you have been waiting for all your life. Things are hot and heavy until they ( most likely) crash and burn.
So what’s the problem?
Here’s the deal. Real, sustainable relationships take time to develop ( despite what Hollywood would have us believe). Your heart is a precious gift to be given to someone who will take exquisite, tender care of it. And you can’t know how someone will care for it after one or two exchanges. Very often, the only thing giving away too much of yourself too soon reveals is a lack of boundaries and an underlying desperation to connect to someone out of fear of being alone. Be leery of people who are overly self- revealing too quickly. And if that person is you? Don’t beat yourself up. Commit to healing yourself so you can have the relationship you deeply desire!
Candace Folden, MS, LPC is a Licensed Therapist and Women’s Empowerment Coach. She is the proud owner of Solstice Counseling and Consulting, PLLC. One of her favorite courses to teach is the 9 week “Becoming A Love Magnet”, which helps you clear away the obstacles that prevent you from attracting a deeply loving partnership. If you are interested in this course, or would like to learn more about her, contact Candace at 336-207-8921 or visit her website candacefolden.com.