I’m going to give it to you straight. My life has not been unicorns and rainbows lately. Not even close. In fact, I would say that it’s been the opposite of whatever unicorns and rainbows are. Maybe sickly sheep and black cloudy skies as far as the eye can see.
When shit gets real, I have women in my life that are my go to people. They get me. They tell me the truth even when I don’t wan to hear it. Sometimes I’m not ready to receive it, and they lovingly articulate it anyway.
And so it happened that I was sharing my situation with one such women last week. She listened to me vent and scream about how this particular person was not being fair to me and treating me poorly. She said nothing as I told her that clearly I was going to have to brace for battle and come out swinging. She was quiet for so long I began to wonder if she’d just tuned me out.
When she did speak, she asked me the question that stopped me in my tracks.
“Candace, who is the woman you want to be in the middle of all this? Be her now”
I tried to explain to her that I could not be any way other than the way I was being because of the other person. That obviously she did not understand what I had just told her. And if she was in my shoes, she would be acting the same way.
You know what she did? She just repeated the question.
Damn, I hate it when people love me enough to hold me accountable for the energy I bring to a situation. #reallynotreally.
And so….. i took her inquiry to heart, and gut and womb and soul. And here is the woman I want to be…for now.
I want to be a woman who implicitly trusts her own wisdom and knowing above the input of other people.
I want to be a woman who is generous in spirit with others AND also herself.
I want to be a woman who has tender compassion for others AND herself.
I want to be a woman takes into account other’s perspectives AND places a high value on her own.
I want to be a woman who moves through the world as softness AND firmness, depending on what the moment calls for.
I want to be a woman who embodies both fierce AND grace.
I want to be a woman who includes others AND has discernment about who has not earned the right to be in her soul space.
I want to be a woman who separates the threads of her stories and triggers in service of what is actually true.
I want to be a woman who is devoted to her practices as a means of profound self love AND as a way show others how to love me (better).
I want to be a woman who neither has to battle NOR capitulate.
I want to be a woman who reveals her deeply sensitive heart to (safe) people.
I want to be this woman despite circumstances. When it’s fucking hard to be her. And also when it’s not. Because this woman…..aahhhhh, I breathe a little easier when I think of her. Something deep inside of me relaxes when I give her form.
Will there be times I fall way short of the mark? Absolutely. There will be times when she fades into the background and I will come out swinging, or closed and defended, or not trusting myself fully. In fact, it’s already happened (more than once) since I wrote this.
And yet, somehow, just having the vision of her, inspires me.
Maybe it inspired you to create your own vision too.
Who is the (wo)man you want to be when it gets heavy in your own life?