I always sit at my kitchen table to write my blogs.
The table faces a window where I have a magnificent view of my bird feeders and the fresh flowers I keep because they make me so damn happy.
Sometimes I light a candle; sometimes I do not.
And so, at 10:44 am on Friday January 31st, I am sitting in my favorite spot with my water, my computer and staring at an empty screen, willing my fingertips to fly over the keyboard in a sudden burst of inspiration.
I wait. Nothing.
Ok, maybe if I light the candle the flame will speak to me…nope.
Sweeping the floor, scrolling on Facebook for a few minutes, throwing in some laundry produce no brilliant ideas.
I. Got. Nothing.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I have a running lost of topics I could write about on my phone. So I look at them. Meh. Not one of them is sticking up it’s hand going “ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!”
More staring at the (blank) screen. I’m pretty sure it’s mocking me.
Then it occurs to me that I could simply share with you all what is actually happening for me right now instead of trying to pretend that I am having a different experience.
Oh Yes! Now, there is a lightness to me and spring to my typing. My entire body relaxes with an exhale.
This is good. This is right. This is true.
I learned at a very young age to perform and pretend to be someone I was not. To say that I felt one way when I really felt another. And this message certainly got reinforced by the culture we live in. So much so that sharing my authentic experience does not ( always) come easily or naturally to me.
And neither does it for my clients, for all kinds of reasons. Which is why we practice telling the truth about what is happening for them in session. There is something deeply beautiful about watching their bodies soften and tears come to their eyes as their genuine experience is witnessed and accepted for well, maybe the first time ever.
So it is for me. Something frees up in me when I can say “I don’t know what I want to write about today. I feel uninspired and stuck. I want to pen something amazing so people will know how smart and clever I am. I could make some shit up but I don’t want to. I could repurpose a video to put something out there but that does not feel true either. Writing a weekly blog is a fuck ton of work, and it’s ok to not hit it out of the park every time”. I can be with where I am instead of insisting that I show up differently or doing something to snap me out of this “slump” .
And by reading this, you all get to witness me having a very real moment in my life.
This courageous exposure of our (messy) truth and benevolent witness to it? That’s how we heal ourselves and each other.
INQUIRY: How do you hide your actual experience from others? From yourself? What might happen if you dared to share?