Finding Freedom In Discipline.
I spent the entire month of December devoted to the energy of freedom in my life. I created a playlist on spotify of songs that evoked the feeling of freedom in me and set 12 intentions that did the same. I made an altar and placed words, quotes, candles, stones, prayers and anything else that screamed Freedom to me. And every day for the whole month, I sat in front of my altar and engaged in 2 Kriyas and a mediation from the tradition of Kundalini yoga.
All in all, the practices took me 35-40 minutes. And did I mention that I did them every. damn. day? Tired? Have a seat and practice. Too busy? Light a candle and practice. Don’t wanna? Do it anyway. Really don’t wanna? Sit and stay.
For the first couple of days it was easy to fit my practices in because they was new and I was excited about them. Then somewhere in the middle of the second week, I noticed I wanted to do them less, and some days they felt like a giant pain in the ass to me. Especially the times where I was doing them at 10:30 at night because that was the only available space in my day.
But I persisted. My altar did not care if I wanted to be there or not. The Kriyas were not grading me on my attitude. The movements for the meditation were the same if I was pissed off to be doing them or delighted.
And here’s what started to happen simply from my willingness to just show up fully in the commitment I had made to myself.
I began to feel a sense of freedom.
In the heat of the moment when my brain was giving me every excuse in the book about how stupid this practice was and it was not working anyway so why bother, having the discipline to do it anyway removed the option.
It took away my choice. There was no waffling about completing the practice or not. I could decide when I was going to do it, if I was going to finish it at one time or break it up, but there was no wiggling out of it just because. It was one less decision I had to make because I had already made it ahead of time. I imagine it felt a lot like an alcoholic who has committed to not drinking no matter what happens, one day at a time. There was freedom for me in not wrestling with myself when push came to shove. I already knew what I was going to do.
There was also tremendous power in holding myself lovingly in the container of my daily practice. It gave me a structure that felt freeing. When I am faced with too many options, I tend to take easy and convenient over self-serving and devotional. That’s the beauty of a pre-determined decision. You honor yourself even in the moments that you ( really) don’t want to.
And I honestly can’t imagine anything that offers more freedom than that.
REFLECTIONS:
Where in your life might you be served by creating a container for yourself?
If you were going to pick one word to be devoted to for a whole month, what would it be? How would you offer devotion to yourself in this way?