Here’s how it happens. The path is not linear. You come back to things you once understood and see deeper truths. More is revealed. It’s happening for me right now. I’m releasing another layer of this old identity as the Girl Who Struggles. The girl who has to work so hard and be in angst. The Girl who Suffers. The girl who believes things are not real unless she pushes and forces.
I went for a walk in the woods the other day. Here’s what flowed from that walk.
I do not want to do one more fucking thing that every cell in my body does not scream “HELL YES” to. I do not want to squeeze my soul into one more misshapen container that does not perfectly support its sacredness. I do not want to take on one more assignment that I should, or ought to or would be “good for me.”
Let me channel my Inner Spice Girl for a moment : Ill tell you what I want, what I really, really want..
I want to be in wide open spaces, free of walls and limitations.
I want to walk where the paths are not paved and smooth
I want to be on ground that it not solid and safe and predictable.
I want to stumble, to feel the uncertainty of my next steps.
I want to hear the pebbles crunching under my feet, carrying me to unexplored places.
I want to go deeper into the mystery of the forest
I want to trip over dead logs as they spill their ancient story to me.
I want to feel the stickiness of enchanted spider webs in my face.
I want to run headfirst into butterflies living their unhurried life.
I want to swim through the tall grass wet from the morning dew.
I want to marvel in awe at the baby deer bounding across the landscape.
I want to be the baby deer, unfettered, untethered, graceful and easy.
I want to move my body the way it wants to move.
I want to stretch my arms to the fluffy clouds and touch heaven.
I want to cry every tear that has waited patiently to be unleashed into this world.
I want my tears to be a swirling, raging river that holds me up lovingly in its currents.
I want to be still, to bathe in the unstructured quiet.
I want to float.
I want to live in deep pleasure.
This is not about self care. Pleasure is deeper and wider than that, I’m finding. It’s not about a bubble bath or a pedicure per se. It’s about the energetic shift that is happening in me. The pieces of me that are being rearranged to form a more authentic whole. The me who feels in her bones the ease and grace and flow of the universe and chooses to put herself smack in the middle of the stream. Arms raised. Fists pumped. HELL. YES.