It is 6 AM in June of 2004.. I am sitting at the beach on these huge rocks watching the sun come up over the ocean. In my lap is my trusty, weathered journal that has held my inner thoughts for years.
I am writing to my family, expressing long-hidden feelings and well concealed truths. The hot tears stream down my face as I write frantically, my pen flying across the blank pages. The sun rises and I hear the seagulls looking for breakfast. The beach is still deserted at this hour. If there had been a passerby, they might have thought that I was a young woman who had risen early to watch the sunrise, write in her journal, connect with herself and enjoy the beautiful scenery.
They would not have been more wrong. They would not have seen the bottle of pills I had beside me, or known that I was writing goodbye letters to my family. They could not have known that I had driven through the night to get to the beach after learning about another of my partner’s betrayals. I hopped in my car because I did not know how to be with myself and the pain.
I felt utterly lost, confused, alone, helpless and ashamed. But the causal observer would not have known that either because I hid all that pain behind a smile. and the trappings of success. I had a Master’s Degree, a full time job, I owned my own condo, and paid my bills. It looked like I really had my shit together, but I was crumbling on the inside. By now the tears had become full body sobs, and in that moment, I knew things had to change. I knew I had to change.
I made three decisions that morning on those rocks:
1) There was a better life out there. for me. I was meant for more, whatever that looked like
2)I had to be the one to find that life. I had to step into my own power and be my own heroine.. I could not wait any longer for someone or something outside of me to save me.
3) Only a full on, 100&% commitment to my own healing was going to suffice at this point. No more half ass attempts to recover myself. Whatever it took, no matter the cost or disruption to my life.
I left the beach that day still scared about the unknown future ahead of me. But i also felt the first stirrings of hope, expansion and possibility. Immense relief flooded through me because I had made an unwavering commitment to create a different life fro myself.
A life of freedom, peace, joy, connection laughter, lightness, play, fun, abundance,acceptance, grace, ease and flow. A life where I was thriving instead of merely getting by, just going through the motions of my own personal Groundhog Day. I knew i needed to stop hiding and find a community of safe people to whom I could speak freely and honestly. I had been pretending for so long that nobody knew how I was really feeling.
When I became willing to risk sharing myself, those people and I found each other. And they loved me, held me and supported me. For the first time in my life, I was connecting with people based on who I was, not who I thought they wanted or expected me to be.
It was a wonderful start, but I knew I needed more, to go deeper and face myself head on. I began to search again, and that led me to a healing retreat for 90 days in rural Kentucky. There, I finally started to understand why I had felt broken, invisible unimportant, alone, and unworthy my entire life. I began to put the pieces together and heal from the inside out. It was not a quick fix, and was often very painful, but man, was it worth it!
I came home with an unshakable sense of my own value and preciousness that I still have to this day.
Do I sometimes forget this? Of course! We all do. But the difference now is that my worth is not dependent people or circumstances outside of me. It is inner driven and inner supported.
My time in Kentucky was so powerful and profoundly transformational. I knew I was called to share the process with as many women as possible.
Although I had been practicing as a therapist prior to this 90 days, (click here to see my fancy pants credentials) I was getting only mediocre results for my clients. I understand now that was a direct reflection of the mediocre commitment I had made to my own evolution. Once I started using what I had learned , coupled with other modalities, experiences, lessons, intuition, and yes, my own failure and mistakes, I began to see tremendous shifts for my clients.
-Lifelong false beliefs were shattered.
-Blocks and obstacles to self love disappeared.
-Loneliness was replaced with connection and community,
-Confusion was replaced with clarity,
-Frustration was replaced with understanding,
-Passivity was replaced with bold movement and inspired action.
-These woman came alive. They glowed. They sparkled like the shimmery diamonds they had been all along.
-They attracted relationships, careers and amazing opportunities that deeply resonated with their authentic selves.
It was, and continues to be, one of the most exciting and humbling things I have had the privilege of witnessing. And this transformation is available for you too.
If you are still reading this, there is a strong chance you desire a similar shift for yourself. Here’s the good news: You are no different than any of these women! The only thing separating you from them at this moment is your answer to the following question:
Are you ready to say YES to yourself?
It’s no accident that you found me. You have been searching for a long time. You see yourself in my words. You are in resonance with this vibration. And perhaps this scares you. It terrified me! A little secret? I wanted to throw up on my entire 10 hour drive to Kentucky! But I went because my core, my essence was screaming at me to do this work. I have a hunch that yours is too.
– How long are you going to put this off?
-When are you going to stop ignoring your own voice, your own truth?
-What’s it gonna take for you stop running from yourself?